"Skinny Female Ninja Fighter" by Flickr user davide.tarasconi

Sally was a part-time assassin. Indeed there was one client message, and he agreed to meet her at her suggested location later that night. Sally confirmed the rendezvous time and place. She also re-stated the terms and how payment should be made to avoid any misunderstanding.

After hitting send, Sally made herself a light breakfast of coffee and toast. She had a second piece of toast she didn’t really need while reading the careers section of the Globe and Mail.

By waking up late, she had left herself less time to paint then she would have liked, although luckily she didn’t have to go far. Her dining room, minus the dining room table, was a makeshift studio. There were dozens of half-finished paintings stacked in the corner.

She only had one of her paintings on the wall. It was of a naked girl standing in front of a full length mirror. The girl, however, was looking away from her reflection. The girl’s reflection was somewhat obviously a mirror image, except that the reflection was looking back at the girl instead of looking away. The other difference was that, in the reflection, there were two flowers in the vase that stood empty in the “real life” vase.

Sally worked right through lunch, and at 2 o’clock she put away the paints to head off to her yoga class. Though her body was perfectly in shape, yoga was the one place on earth where Sally felt as if she didn’t quite measure up. But each time she left the studio she felt a wave of pride wash over her body, and it wouldn’t be more then a block or two before some random man would take a second look at her athletic-wear and the shapely body beneath. In the real world, outside the studio, her curves were usually seen as assets, rather than unfulfilled potential.

Once back at her apartment, Sally showered and had a half plate of leftover sushi before applying her make-up and slipping into an appropriate outfit for her mission. Before leaving, she checked to make sure her tools of the trade were in place. She opened her briefcase and looked over each item, then spent a few extra moments inspecting the large black, almost phallic object to ensure that it was spotless. She referred to it as “the silencer,” because when used properly, it left the intended recipient speechless.

Sally arrived at the room she had prearranged only a few minutes before her client was to arrive. After removing two items, she hurriedly placed her briefcase in the bathroom where she could access it, unseen. She then took a bottle of wine from the mini fridge and poured herself half a glass as she waited patiently for her client to arrive.

At the sound of three knocks on the door, Sally took a depth breath and moved toward the entrance. The knock on the door was always the moment where her needs became secondary; she knew this was essential for her mission’s success. When the door was more then half opened, she smiled and said, “You must be Frank. Please come in.”

Sally walked slowly to the center of the room and then spun unexpectedly back towards the entrance, knowing her client would be face to face with her. It was a little routine she had perfected that gave the man a chance to give her a welcome kiss without having to knowingly lean toward her.

Sally asked Frank to serve the wine while she discretely counted the money in the envelope he had just placed on the dresser. It only took Sally a few moments with her client to know just what role she would have to play to accomplish her mission. Tonight it was the seductress. She made everything easy for him, never once allowing him to have an awkward moment. While he enjoyed his drink, Sally swung her hips every so gently back and forth while running her hands through her hair.

"Now where did I leave that vibrator?" photo by Flickr user joannatv

When the wine was finished, Sally took Frank’s hand and led him to the edge of the bed where she directed him to sit. She removed her own clothes, always staying just in contact with her client, to make him feel connected to her. Once nude, she leaned into his body while he was still sitting up, allowing him to molest every inch of her he wanted to. Sally then suggested he undress so she could give him a massage. She helped him with his clothes. Again she used another little trick she had learned: instead of asking him to turn over, she pretended to have a need to go down on him. She knew that the surprise factor would lead to a quick orgasm, reducing the overall time she needed to have his cock in her mouth. Her plan worked like a charm.

Once he had finished shivering, she instructed him to turn over so she could give him the massage she had promised. She then excused herself to the bathroom to get some oil. This was also an excuse to gain access to her briefcase, where she quickly put a harness on and took out the silencer. When she entered the room she turned off the lights.

Just as she had promised, she began with a massage. She slowly prepared him for what was to come. The trick was to match the insertion of her first finger with his heavy breathing. When she felt he was ready to accept, she slide the silencer into him. Indeed, he gasped as planned. Sally was almost certain that this time she would feel a sense of accomplishment when she arrived home.

She had indeed been successful yet again. Her confirmation came in three forms: her client called her Sarah as he kissed her goodbye, her services were not requested again, and the emptiness she was trying to evade didn’t go away.

XXX

Will Dawson is a 31-year-old male who has never paid for sex, but has paid for a few lap dances. He likes writers better than strippers, but sometimes it’s a close call. A writer who strips? Well, that’s fucking hot.

Pimp Santa, New York SantaCon 2008 (photo by Flickr user istolethetv)

Anyone who’s seen those Playboy-esque cartoons that depict Santa getting down with young sexy female elves has to ask themselves: isn’t it more likely our old Saint Nick is getting jiggy on the down-low, rather than making toys and delivering them by sled? After seeing a few of those artist’s sketches of the scenes in question, it’s hard to believe he’s as innocent as he’s made out to be.

Truth be told, I think it’s much more likely that Santa’s cheating on Mrs. Claus with a group of young men wearing tights.

Admit it: the whole sitting on some stranger’s knee seems a little off to you, every time you see Santa at the mall. I, for one, can’t believe Santa wouldn’t rather have some gay slut bent over his knee for BDSM purposes—which may or may not involve a whip and flogging at some point.

If you ask me, the whole Santa toy-delivery service sounds more like a cover story than anything else. Every time Santa tells Mrs. Claus he is “making toys in the workshop,” he’s probably really sitting in the basement, downloading serious amounts of porn. Let’s be honest: you don’t trust a guy that spends too much time hidden away in his or workshop with a bunch of elves.

My guess is that every time Santa tells Mrs. Claus he is off “training the reindeer” or “polishing the sleigh” he is—like any average, deeply closeted married guy who says he’s “hitting the gym” or “playing poker with the boys”—actually attending some indecent show. With or without elves and reindeer present.

And speaking of reindeer: Rudolph, with your flashlight so bright, won’t you go down on me in my sleigh tonight?

Honestly, folks, if some guy wanted to drop a load of anything at your house in the middle of the night, after sliding down your chimney with a bag full of toys, would you really offer him milk and cookies? Wouldn’t some lube and a cock ring be more appropriate?

Now I’m trying to imagine what Santa’s Craigslist ad would say. What about “OLDER BEAR ISO TWINKS: 60+, 6″4′, 280 lbs, hairy top, 7 inches uncut. Looking for young twinks for father/son roleplay. I’m into spanking and can be generous. I also have plenty of toys for good girls and boys!”

Or maybe it’s more along the lines of “BI MARRIED GUY LOOKING FOR DISCREET FUN“?

Seriously, people, when your husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends or wives tell you they have some “last-minute shopping to do” and have to go out 11 o’clock at night on Christmas Eve, maybe they’re actually hooking up with ol’ Kris Kringle himself!

The only question is: have you been naughty or nice?

photo courtesy of CrowHand, via Flickr

I could tell from the way she was dressed and moved around the club that it was as familiar as home to her. It was as if she belonged in the shadows of the club, like a creature of the night. Her almost supernatural form made me hot for her: she had nearly perfect breasts, a toned body, finely applied make-up, a designer outfit and an expensive salon haircut.

I was surprised at how easily she agreed to come home with me. All it took was the mere suggestion of being together, and the next thing I knew we were walking towards the door.

It had been too dark in the club to notice she had that look in her eyes—the one that tells you everything and nothing. It wasn’t her eyes, of course, that attracted me to her, so I didn’t really mind.

Once we got back to my apartment, I could sense there was no need for small talk. I took my date’s hand with the intent of leading her to the bed. She willingly followed.

The sex was physically fantastic, though perhaps lacking the real emotional connection that can make sex truly mind-blowing. As hard as I looked, even as she came, I couldn’t see my lover’s soul.

The encounter ended without a last kiss. I had done my best to devour her, and she had done her best to let herself be devoured. My cravings were gone, though I wouldn’t say I felt satisfied.

The morning came. The stranger left. She might have been happy; I couldn’t tell.

I didn’t miss her.

Of course, I never knew that she had taken a piece of my soul until it was too late to get it back.

If you are looking for a book that explains and illustrates the basics of polyamory and/or open relationships, then the first half of Tristan Taormino’s book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships–which reads like a Poly 101 textbook–is for you.

This is a book based on 100 or so interviews of people in open relationships in the U.S.–a country of over 300 million people–so one has to keep in mind what the author is basing her ideas upon.

One can’t help but get the sense that open relationships in general are a function of both urban and modern life. In a lot of cases the individuals uses “openness” as a way of trying to fight the isolation that takes place in big urban cities by creating deeper relationships with a few individuals through sexual intimacy.

If this book does anything well, it’s that it shows that for some people open relationships work. Just for that reason alone I would highly recommend this book, if only because it will make you question everything about your relationship style and beliefs—perhaps even the reasons behind your lack of a healthy relationship. Knowledge is power, and as the author says, self-awareness is a prerequisite for positive relationships.

Now if only the book could explain how to find the perfect partner, we wouldn’t need open relationships!

Pros

- The book’s emphasis on self-awareness, ethical behavior, honesty, communication and negotiation was refreshing.

- The plentiful checklists and self-questionnaires were well thought out and very practical. I think the average person could learn a lot about their own relationships and how to negotiate any part of their sex life from this book.

- The goal of the book is to help individuals make open relationships work. Judged solely on its stated goal, I think the book should get top marks. Of course, this assumes you’re already in a relationship with someone who will consider an open relationship, which perhaps does not apply to most of the world.

Cons

- I would have really liked it if the author took a position on whether people are biologically inclined or have a natural instinct for pair bonding. She brings up the idea though doesn’t discuss it.

- I felt the author downplayed the increased possibility of getting STDs in any sort of open relationship, as compared to a truly 100% monogamous relationship–not to mention the stressed involved in getting tested every three months.

- One other place where I think the book failed is that there were often examples of individuals saying they “needed” something, and that the only way they could get it was in a poly relationship. I found the “needs” often seemed a lot more like “wants.” I personally got the feeling that many of the so-called “open relationships” described in the book were either transitional and/or functional, though not ideal.

- The simple fact is that the majority of people in the world are likely to scoff at the idea of an open relationship. Even with all the good suggestions the book has to offer, if you are looking to date one of those types of people, I’m not sure how much the book will help you. It’s something akin to sending the book The Secret to Africa instead of food.

Welcome to the Matrix... of porn

Have you ever wanted to be a porn star? Come on, of course you have–at least in your imagination! Well, now you can see yourself under the lights with the funky porn music without even a chance of an STD. Think of it: Virtual Score Porn Limited now offers virtual porn videos of you and a porn star (or porn stars) of your choice! Just name your fantasy; so long as it’s legal, they can produce it. Anything you like: threesomes, foursomes, strap-on videos, gang bangs, same sex… and more!

Yes it’s true, Virtual Score Porn Limited now offers porn videos where the customer has their personal image superimposed onto another actor. Isn’t it amazing where the information age has brought us?

Here’s how it works: Virtual Score Porn Limited has a stable of men with a variety of body types and penis sizes (as this is a case where size matters) so that any customer can easily be transdigitized. There are, of course, a wide variety of different girls to fit your preferences.

In order to make a video, a customer must send in at least one photo of their face. For best results, the customer must send in a penis shot (while erect), and a both a full-frontal and fulll-back body shot. Using their patented software Virtual Score Porn Limited will create a video within about a week!

The price for one of these videos isn’t cheap; for just a transdigitized head video, the cost is $2,000 a pop. For a full-frontal the cost jumps to $5,000, though Virtual Score Porn Limited guarantees that this video will be of such high resemblance that your own spouse won’t be able to tell it isn’t you!

This, of course brings us to the question: Who wants one of these videos? After speaking with Red Togers, the head of the entertainment division of Virtual Score Porn Limited, I learned that the average customer is a 40-60 year-old single male. Togers did say he’s a had a few requests for videos by potential female customers, although at at this time he doesn’t offer them because it’s too hard to transdigitize the average woman’s body onto that of a porn star. Perhaps in the future, if the demand keeps up, he’ll shoot some original videos featuring average women’s body types.

Togers also informed me that almost all of his clients ask for reproduction videos of themselves with a famous star. Madonna, Elisha Cuthbert and Claire Danes are the most requested, as of press time. However, he notes that at the moment–mostly for liability reason–they haven’t produced any videos in which mainstream stars’ faces are transdigitized onto the bodies of porn stars.

One could question where this new technology may lead, as well as the potential for abuses, but for now let us all enjoy the possibility that we could all be porn stars someday–for the right price!