WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Rebels of the 512 is the best novel about pirates, ninjas and evil politicians in Austin, Texas you’ll ever read. Now, some will argue this is because it’s the ONLY novel about pirates, ninjas and evil politicians in Austin, Texas you’ll ever read, but that’s beside the point.

The point is: I wrote this novel in just three days, it’s got a gang of surly, blood-thirsty ninjas against a grog-drunken crew of pirates and a Texas governor with really good hair. And it’s FREE, by god. So why not take a chance?

A PROMISE

If all else fails, I can promise you this: If you hate Rick Perry, you will love this novel.

Snag your copy today by using coupon code AS49Y. (Valid through Sunday, Feb. 12, only on Smashwords.)

And don’t forget to leave a review!

The group’s February book is Jeffrey Eugenides’ The Marriage Plot, which I added to my “to read” list back in 2011, but only added to my library hold list recently, leaving me in 193rd place to borrow a copy of the book. For some reason there are no e-copies available at the Austin Public Library (despite my urging them, on Twitter, to acquire a couple), so I’m stuck with the “real” queue, which is horribly long.

I may just have to break down and buy an e-copy for $12.99. At least I can write it off on my taxes next year, right?

Speaking of taxes, I filed mine early again this year, despite my tax software attempting to cut my return in half after accidentally clicking a button that I could not, for the life of me, undo. Damn you, tax software! (Anyone else find these claims that e-filing is “free” to be more than a little bit of flagrantly false advertising?)

But back to my original point, which was READING BOOKS. I highly encourage you to join the WBN book club and follow along for February’s pick. If you’re not feeling up to it, however, here are my Top 5 Books You Should Read This Week or Die Trying:

1. We the Animals by Justin Torres — Short and sweet for those who can’t concentrate on reading, and action-packed enough to keep you turning the pages. I look forward to reading lots more from this first-time author.
2. Rum Socialism by Kris Romaniuk — It’s only 99 effin’ cents, and if you can’t handle the typos, then get the hell outta the ebook kitchen, you lazy foodie wannabes. In case you missed it, we featured an excerpt for free on our site a few weeks back. Click here to read it. You’re welcome.
3. Naked Montreal – Part I by Laura Roberts — Yes, that’s me. Yes, this excerpt is 100% free. Yes, it’s part of my forthcoming novel, and yes you will have to wait for it to be finished to read the rest. Deal with it. Download it. Review it. It’s FREE, you cheap mofos! (And if you join my Twitter Give-Away Contest, you can read MORE of my ebooks for free!)
4. Memories of a Mombasa Gigolo by Krishna Washburn — Normally, I’m not all that jazzed about POD books, for the obvious (typo-laden, rushed-to-print) reasons. This one is a definite exception. Read my review of it over at the U.S. Review of Books if you don’t believe me. I dig it, and I recommend it to anyone who likes sex, love, dirty stories and historical tales of pre-WWI gigolos.
5. The Big Over Easy: A Nursery Crime by Jasper Fforde — Best known for his Thursday Next books, Jasper Fforde’s nursery crimes division is far more dark, bizarre, and unpredictable than his previous books, plus it incorporates some good old-fashioned mystery and suspense for good measure. Not quite noir, but certainly a unique take on the cozy mystery and the little old ladies who love (and write) them.

Got a suggestion for the book lovers amongst us? Give us a shout, and tell us what YOU’RE reading this week!

The poll is an annual tradition, and boasts a variety of categories on everything from books to short fiction and poetry to digital publications—including online magazines and e-books.

So I turn to you, dear readers, for support. If you like our little magazine, please give these projects some love by voting in the following categories:

• Best Anthology: The NOIR Anthology
• Book/eBook Cover Artwork: The NOIR Anthology
• Magazine/eZine Cover Artwork: The NOIR Anthology
• Fiction eZine: Black Heart Magazine
• Poetry eZine: Black Heart Magazine
• Magazine/eZine Editor: Laura Roberts

Be sure to scroll down on most of these pages to find our name, as we’re often listed beneath a rather unfortunately-placed banner ad, which appears to signify the end of the list. Don’t be fooled by this little ploy to enable those with alphabetically higher-placed names to snag the top spots!

Vote for me, get a free e-book

I also have a piece nominated in the Nonfiction Article category, “Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Get Laid in Montreal,” which I published as part of my “quickies” series at Amazon and Smashwords. If you’d like to vote for this piece, I would also be eternally grateful for your support.

To facilitate voting for something you’ve actually read and enjoyed, you can currently download a free copy of “Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Get Laid in Montreal” from Smashwords by clicking here and using the code JL28B (only until January 11). It’s available in all formats, including PDF, so you can read it on your computer or with your favorite e-reader.

And then, remember to vote by January 10!

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Lobster Telephone is a weekly missive from editor Laura Roberts‘ desk, chronicling the literary, the rebellious, and the random from around the world—complete with writing tips for the savvy submitter. The title is, indeed, inspired by the surrealist sculpture of the same name by Salvador Dalí, circa 1936. Tips are always appreciated.

Assuming, of course, that the world doesn’t end. (With either a bang or a whimper.)

"End of the world" (photo by Flickr user Mani Babbar)

Writers are a superstitious sort, judging by this list of quirks from Cat Woods. So we’ve been wondering if writers have any particular New Year’s Eve superstitions, beyond the usual kissing of friends and loved ones at midnight or the consumption of black-eyed peas and collard greens that southern writers embrace. Although there are plenty of New Year’s-themed superstitions out there, it doesn’t seem like there are any specifically aimed at writers.

Personally, the only superstition I’ve ever had about NYE is don’t go near Times Square, but that’s just my jaded New Yorker talking. Last year I enjoyed bowling in the New Year with a new pair of shoes (yes, I own my own bowling shoes and ball; you may refer to me as Dude, Her Dudeness, Duder or El Duderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing), and may repeat it this year to create a new family tradition.

On New Year’s Day, I’ve always enjoyed a good brunch, as many people do. Tradition dictates a tasty, inexpensive diner type of establishment, though Denny’s could do in a pinch. The rest of the day is usually spent relaxing with good books, my literary kitty and husband, and writing up a list of resolutions (or, rather, writing goals) for the coming year.

So what about you, dear readers? Have you got any New Year’s Eve superstitions, resolutions or goals?

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Lobster Telephone is a weekly missive from editor Laura Roberts‘ desk, chronicling the literary, the rebellious, and the random from around the world—complete with writing tips for the savvy submitter. The title is, indeed, inspired by the surrealist sculpture of the same name by Salvador Dalí, circa 1936. Tips are always appreciated.

Here, without further introduction, are the winners of the Lobster Telephone contest giveaway for book-loving nerds:

• Olga of Cuntlove has won a copy of Shane Allison’s lovely, dirty poetry collection, Slut Machine
• TravisMaximus is the winner of Canadian novelist Zsuzsi Gartner’s currently-available-in-Canada-only Better Living Through Plastic Explosives
• Deborah of The Daily Grackle shall receive a copy of the small but mighty Terroryaki!, the 2010 3-Day Novel Contest winning novel by Jennifer K. Chung
  
• Mary will be getting the jam-packed DIY book How and Why by professional anarchist Matte Resist; and finally
  
• Ben Sobieck receives two “quickies” from my Smashwords library, “Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Get Laid in Montreal” and “Where to Get Laid in Montreal,” as they’re a matched set and we feel he deserves a little something for his crusty musicians comment.

And speaking of winners

Here’s a contest you do NOT want to win: the Bad Sex in Fiction Award is handed out only once a year to the novelist so bad at writing sex scenes that their work is considered anti-erotic. This year’s “winner” is David Guterson, who has made the judges’ eyes bleed with his depiction of mother/son sex in Ed King. I figure they all should’ve known better, since the tale is a modern take on the Oedipus story, but I guess modern variants on classic works require a bit of sexing up for a current-day audience.

If you care to torture yourself with an excerpt from this work, the Guardian’s got you covered. Personally, I’ll pass; you had me at “front parlour” and “back door.”

Finally, in E-books That Don’t (Entirely) Suck…

On a related note, I was set to slam this freebie from the Kindle store, titled Incredible Sex (52 Brilliant Little Ideas), for its ho-hum take on human sexuality and tips for spicing up your love life (seriously, don’t ever tell me to spice up my love life, like I am missing a dash of cayenne pepper or a note of cumin, all right?), but surprisingly enough, this book doesn’t entirely suck. No, not entirely.

Yes, it’s written by a duo (Marcelle Perks and Elisabeth Wilson) who have no ability whatsoever to convey the sexiness of sex, and instead prefer to cover as much ground in as flavorless a writing style as possible. Yes, the British term “snogging” sounds far more hilarious than sexy to American readers. But some of the tips are still useful, in a remedial way, such as the suggestion that when it comes to oral sex, men should almost always slow down and avoid direct contact with the clitoris until the woman is bucking her hips like mad. An obvious suggestion, to those who’ve had sex more than twice, but a good tip for beginners to keep in mind if their love lives are falling short.

Terminology like “get your rocks off,” however, do not help these writers’ cause. And the suggestion “Have a bowl of cold yoghurt and one of warm peas nearby and dip your bare feet into them” is not only bizarre but disturbing, thanks to its location in the anal sex chapter. No, honey, I would NOT like to have any yogurt or peas inserted into my ass tonight, but thanks for asking first!

Finally, ending a book with Marilyn Monroe’s signature move should be the high point, the literal climax. Ending, instead, with the summary phrase “The bloke probably quite enjoyed it too” is quite the opposite of hot. You’ve just turned consummate sex fantasy Marilyn Monroe into a crappy ending, you twits. -10 points for killing my lady boner, and the boners of men everywhere.

Is it wrong to complain about a free book’s sex tips being too pedestrian? Perhaps. But why anyone would want to write such a book is the real question. If you’ve got a burning desire to set the world’s sex lives on fire, then by God as a burning bush, DO IT! But for the love of cocks and cunts, please stop with the poorly-written advice that you are trying to pass off as “brilliant ideas.” Just another brilliant suggestion from a former sex columnist who’s writing an erotic novel, darlings; take it or leave it.

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Lobster Telephone is a weekly missive from editor Laura Roberts‘ desk, chronicling the literary, the rebellious, and the random from around the world—complete with writing tips for the savvy submitter. The title is, indeed, inspired by the surrealist sculpture of the same name by Salvador Dalí, circa 1936. Tips are always appreciated.