5. Satan (Paradise Lost, Milton): Nobody can out-charm Milton’s Lord of Darkness. Much-lauded for his ability to transform himself into a giant slithering phallus.

4. Henry Miller (Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller): A brothel-hopping whirling dervish of libertine jouissance and syphilis, Henry’s never met a sexual encounter (or an STI) he didn’t like.

3. O (The Story of O, Pauline Reage): Submissive and sexy, playful O enjoys slow, painful degradation at the hands of faceless men who strip her of any sense of selfhood.

2. Patrick Batemen (American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis): When he’s not doing pushups to keep his bodyfat under four percent or scoping out the latest fashions, Patrick can be found slaughtering hookers with chainsaws and trying to stuff cats into bank machines.

1. Simone (Story of the Eye, Georges Bataille): From bloodletting to golden showers, necrophilia to eye socket sex, Simone’s interests are sure to please even the most demanding lover. Especially fond of the rodeo – where else can you find riper bull testicles for vaginal insertion?

THE REST:

6. Madame de St. Ainge (Philosophy of the Bedroom, Marquis de Sade)

7. Lolita (Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov)

8. Bear (Bear, by Marian Engel)

"If I had a tumor, I'd name it Marla"

9. Marla Singer (Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk)

10. Alex (A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess)

11. Vaughan (Crash, JG Ballard)

12. Lord Byron

13. Sarah (Sarah, JT LeRoy)

14. Fevvers (Nights at the Circus, Angela Carter)

15. Humbert Humbert (Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov)

16. Anaïs Nin (Diaries of Anaïs Nin)

17. Q_ (Zombie, Joyce Carol Oates)

18. The Dog Woman (Sexing the Cherry, Jeanette Winterson)

19.Belle de Jour (Belle de Jour, Joseph Kessel)

20. Nan Astley (Tipping the Velvet, Sarah Waters)

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

Tilda Swinton as the sexy, gender-swapping Orlando

Ipy and Ella (Geek Love, Katherine Dunn)

Orlando (Orlando, Virgina Woolf)

The Wife of Bath (The Canterbury Tales, Chaucer)

Molly Bloom (Ulysses, James Joyce)

The Dark Lady (Sonnets, Shakespeare)

Randle McMurphy (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Ken Kesey)

Philip Marlowe (The Big Sleep, Raymond Chandler)

Portnoy (Portnoy’s Complaint, Philip Roth)

Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë)

SPECIAL ADDENDUM, 1:59 PM:

John Updike, RIP (photo: nhpr.org)

RIP John Updike, for his lifetime achievement award in 2008 from the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, world's best-known S&M fetishist

FIRST

“Honey, sweety-pie, I’d like it if you stopped, you know…”

“What? Swallowing? Massaging your prostate while I blow you? Drowning you in my tits?”

“Uh, no, you can keep doing those. I’d like you to stop asking me to call you a slut.”

“Oh.”

“And stop asking me to slap you. And, you know, that stuff.”

“Oh.”

LATER

“Fuck me.”

“I am fucking you.”

“I mean give it to me. Pull my hair. Give my ass a few spanks. It’s right there in your face.”

“Jesus, that’s it. I’m putting my foot down.”

“Where, on my chest? Want me to lick your toes for you? Or were you going to put it in my ass? ‘Cause that might hot.”

“Can we just drop it?”

“Come on, tell me what kind of a whore I am.”

“I said no.”

“Fine. Fuck me like you fuck a blow-up doll. No, don’t stop. I’ll just lay here…Want me to play dead, is that it?”

LATER STILL

“That really pissed me off, you know.”

“What? Wasn’t it good for you?”

“You know what I mean. The whole calling you a slut thing. I don’t treat my partners like they’re fucking sperm containers. It’s so retrograde, you know?”

“Retrograde. Huh. I’ll look that up.”

STILL LATER

“Are you awake?”

“No.”

“Can we snuggle?”

“First you want me to call you a dirty slut, now you want to snuggle?”

“Yes?”

“Very funny. Careful, those are delicate.”

“I don’t know how you walk around with these. They’re like little marbles. So listen, want to make love?”

“We just did.”

“No, we fucked. If it makes you happy, we can do all that tender shit you liberated post-feminist males love. You can quote me Petrarch and do me missionary and whisper sweet nothings into my ears.”

“I’m tired.”

“If that’s the case, you should tell your little general to stand at ease.”

LATER LATER LATER

“Okay, you’re biting a bit hard.”

“So? Can’t take the heat?”

“You said we were going to make love.”

“I lied. And now I’m going to pinch your nipple.”

“No you’re not.”

“Try to stop me.”

“Fine, pinch my nipple. See if I care.”

“You’re the boss.”

“Fuck me, not so hard. Ow, I said not so hard.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”

“That’s it. I’m done.”

“But you’re still so hard. Want to fuck me with a banana at the same time? We’ve never played with food.”

“Christ, why do you have to be so fucking vulgar?”

“I could do a cucumber.”

“Stop.”

“A pool cue?”

“We don’t own a pool table.”

“Not the table, just a cue. We could borrow one from next door. Or I could try a shampoo bottle.”

“Can you just—”

“Remote control? Think I can change the channel without my hands?”

“Stop saying—”

“Garden hose?”

“PLEASE STOP BEING A DIRTY FUCKING WHORE!”

(…)

“Oh, that was good.”

“Fuck you, no it wasn’t.”

“That’s not my pussy.”

“I know.”

“You’re cute when you’re mad.”