If Black Heart were like the Federal Government

If Black Heart were like the Federal Government

If Black Heart were like the Federal Government…

  1. Each staff member would be paid $174,000 a year while serving out our positions, no matter what kind of stupid things we did to make ourselves – and the literary scene – look bad.
  2. We’d keep on getting paid that same $174,000 a year, even after our tenure at the magazine was over – because that’s just what retired editors deserve.
  3. In addition to our huge salaries, we’d also be getting sweet personal bonuses from all kinds of lobbyists who need us to help the rich get richer. ‘Cause that’s just how we do things, homie.
  4. Obamacare: who needs it? We’d have our own cushy company healthcare plan – for life – that would enable us to see any doctor we wanted at any time, and that would fund every little pill, potion or surgery we might need. Why should we be concerned about what the rest of America wants or needs? We’re rich, beyotch!
  5. We’d be on vacation, indefinitely, right now because we need more time on our yachts. Besides, didn’t you read #1? We can do whatever we want and still get paid!

So, in case you haven’t heard, the Feds are on holiday, having shut down the government for their own amusement, leaving the average American’s cheese out in the wind. And frankly, we think that’s a bunch of moldy bologna.

SafeModeBut guess what? Unlike the Feds, we’re still hard at work. Just like the US Postal Service (which, by the way, is still hard at work as well – you go, essential services!), neither rain nor sleet nor wind nor hail can stop us from producing Black Heart’s daily literary festivities.

So go on with your bad self, Federal Government. Stay shut down for the rest of our lives, for all we care (especially during tax time). We’ll still be doing what we do best, without the big ol’ salaries and elitist attitudes and fancy healthcare, and putting it all on the line for the American people and the whole damn world to read.

P.S. According to the Washington Post, Washington DC’s garbage collection stops during a shutdown, which may cause some weak-stomached Republicans to have a change of heart on the matter. You know, in case the “crazed shooter” (i.e. unarmed woman in a car with a 1-year-old kid) yesterday, $200 million dollars worth of revenue lost in the DC metro area daily, and supremely bad press around the world weren’t reason enough to make them rethink this little stunt.