Hey Guys by Kate Nacy

Hey Guys by Kate Nacy

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. I KNOW WE’RE LATE TAKING OFF BUT WE’RE LOOKING AT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM HERE. MINOR INTERCONNECTIVE MALFUNCTION, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. MECHANIC’S ON HIS WAY TO TAKE A LOOK. JUST HANG LOOSE AND WE’LL GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD MOMENTARILY. THANKS FOR CHOOSING AMERICANO. WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS. HAVE A PLEASANT STAY ONBOARD.

"In the cockpit of Lockheed Hudsons - 2" image by Flickr user John Roberts

“In the cockpit of Lockheed Hudsons – 2” image by Flickr user John Roberts

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF AGAIN, COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. SO WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO IS … TRYING TO THINK OF AN ANALOGY … IT’S … WE’RE GONNA BASICALLY DO LIKE A CONTROL + ALT + DELETE AND SEE HOW IT GOES, WHICH MEANS WE’VE GOTTA SIT TIGHT ON THE TARMAC. ULTRA-MINOR INTERCONNECTIVE MALFUNCTION. PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEAT AND TRAY TABLE REMAIN IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION AND ON BEHALF OF AMERICANO AIRLINES I’D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR MAKING YOUR JOURNEY WITH US.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. SO THE CONTROL + ALT + DELETE PLAN DIDN’T WORK LIKE WE HOPED. WE’RE STILL LOOKING INTO IT, GOT SOME SOLID LEADS ON YAHOO! ANSWERS, SHOULDN’T BE LONG BEFORE WE BANG THIS MOTHER OUT. JUST HANG IN THERE. ALSO NOTE FAA REGULATIONS REQUIRE PASSENGERS TO FOLLOW FLIGHT CREW INSTRUCTIONS AT ALL TIMES. THANKS FOR CHOOSING AMERICANO, IT’S OUR PLEASURE TO SERVE YOU.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. HAD ANOTHER TALK WITH THE MECHANIC AND LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GOING FOR PLAN C, WHICH MEANS HE’LL BE CALLING HIS SISTER’S BOYFRIEND. NO WORRIES, IT’S AN ASIAN GUY. WE THINK MALAYSIAN. JUST SIT TIGHT, WE’RE ALL OVER THIS LIKE WHITE ON KUNG PAO RICE. PLEASE NOTE THE “NO SMOKING” SIGN WILL REMAIN ON THROUGHOUT THE FLIGHT. AMERICANO AIRLINES ARIGATOS YOU.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADDERAL? I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED RIGHT NOW. ALL PASSENGERS WITH ADDERAL ARE ASKED TO MEET WITH YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDENT JORGE AS HE MAKES HIS WAY DOWN THE AISLE. HE’LL BE PASSING AROUND MY HAT. YOU CAN JUST DROP IT IN. ALL PASSENGERS WITH ADDERAL ARE CRAZY AWESOME AND GET DOUBLE BAGEL CHIPS. DON’T BE SHY KIDS, EVERYONE KNOWS SCHOOL IS TOOOOO HARRRD.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. JUST A QUICK LITTLE MESSAGE TO THE ALARMISTS SEATED IN ROWS 46 AND 47: CHIIILLLL OUTTTTTT. WHO LIKES DAVE MATTHEWS? I’LL PLAY SOME DAVE. SEATBELTS FASTENED.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. GUYS, I’M POSTING ABOUT THIS. RIGHT NOW. ON FACEHEAD. I’M ON FACEHEAD AND I’M BLOGGING ABOUT THIS. LIKE, OH MY GOD, MY FOLLOWERS ON FACEHEAD ARE GOING TO SHIT THEIR PANTS.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. DID YOU EVER THINK HOW LIKE EARTH IS JUST A ROCK IN THE SKY? DID ANYONE THINK THAT? DID YOU KNOW THE SUN’S SURFACE IS GNARLED AND TWISTED AND BLACK FROM CONSTANT EXPLOSIONS? DID YOU KNOW VOLCANOES BLAST MEGATONS OF NOXIOUS CHEMICALS INTO THE AIR? DID YOU KNOW SPACE IS SWARMING WITH DEBRIS? DID YOU KNOW THE ODDS OF BEING HIT BY AN ASTEROID ARE LIKE 100%? DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT THIS? DOES NOT ANYONE CARE? NO FURTHER QUESTIONS. SEATBELTS FASTENED, NOT THAT IT MATTERS.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. DID YOU HEAR THAT BOOM FROM THE LEFT ENGINE? DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.

HEY GUYS, IT’S YOUR PILOT JEFF COMING AT YOU FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL PASSENGERS WISHING TO BAIL ON THIS FLIGHT: TOO LATE TURKEYS! THIS DUCK’S ABOUT TO SOAR. PLEASE NOTE THE FASTEN SEATBELT SIGN IS STILL ON, AND SMOKING IN THE LAVATORY WILL BE PUNISHED BY EXECUTION. ALL PASSENGERS SEATED IN EXIT ROWS ARE KINDLY ASKED TO REMEMBER THE OATH YOU TOOK ABOUT NOT BEING SELF-SERVING PUSSIES. FLIGHT TIME WILL BE INFINITY TIMES INFINITY. JORGE, PREPARE THE CABIN FOR TAKEOFF. AMERICANO AIRLINES RULES AND THANKS YOU.


merKate Nacy lives in Berlin and writes stories. Her work can be found in apt, Bodega, Fleeting, FRiGG, Litro, Prick of the Spindle, The Milan Review, SAND and Untoward. Astrologically, she is of the Scorpio persuasion.