No Eyed Tim by Michael Badger III

No Eyed Tim of Tim’s Tavern wears a patch over his left eye but no one calls him Righty or One Eyed Tim or Patch because last time Tim threw a pint glass at the guy’s head. Vicious. Bloody. Though it taught us regulars all a lesson: pints are for more than drinking out of. You can prove a point, too. Which can be helpful.

This is how we see it:

[BEER] + [MEN] = [RIGHT]

Across the street is Pam’s Place. Pam’s a relentless bitch.

This is how it is at Pam’s Place:


There’s not even a TV there.

“trudy’s bar” (image via Flickr user Are we there yet?!)

At Tim’s we [JEER] and [FIGHT] and [DRINK] and it is [MANLY] and [A GOD GIVEN RIGHT] and even, we’ve agreed, [HOLY].

The other night we decided to tell Pam’s Place off for good. We decided to staple-gun dead rats to the front awning.

“Looks like a sombrero,” Lanny said.

“Too Mexican,” Harry said.

“She won’t be thinking of nationality when she’s screaming her bitch face off,” I said. We agreed that it would’ve been [STUPID] if she did. We stood back to appreciate a job well done. Street was dark. The neon signs proclaimed Pam’s Place had [BEER], too. That got us good every time. We know good [BEER] and we knew Pam’s Place didn’t have any. We laughed [LOUD] and [HEARTY] like [MEN].

A window opened up above Pam’s Place and a man said, “Screw off.” And because we were so pumped with [MANLINESS] we decided we would take exactly zero in terms of [SHIT].

This is how we saw it after we kicked the door open to two naked people in the tiny studio apartment:

[TIM] + [PAM] = [ ]

We stared for a very short 3.5 seconds. Lars threw a bottle, which proved the lesson we learned with the pint glass.

And that’s why we won’t go back to Tim’s.

Michael Badger III is a MFA student in Boston though he lives in the Pacific NW where his vast boot collection and beer brewing fanaticism comes in handy during the rainy season. He’s had stories published in Short, Fast & Deadly as well as Stockholm University’s anthology Two Thirds North 2013. He’s also single. is a side project of his that passes as a personal website.