Three stories from “100 Teeny Tiny Tales of Terror” by Matthew Burnside

Careening Down The Highway In A Stolen Bumper Car, Slappy Sullivan Has His Last Laugh

Deep down we’re all abandoned amusement parks, Slappy whimpered to himself, producing a plastic revolver the size of his size seventeen clobber hoppers and crying confetti all over his big red nose. Up ahead he saw the banana peels laid down waiting, a row of bumper car sirens blaring blue and red. You’ll never take me back to the circus alive! he shouted into the night and triggered his tiny flag to fire ‘Bang’.

 

The Puppy Apocalypse Will Not Be Televised

Of all ends imaginable, they never imagined one so adorable. Shacked up in a pink house on the hill, they hurried to board all the doggy doors. Outside, bunnies strapped with rockets were waiting in the bushes, death-horny on their haunches. Covert cats squeezed through the chimney while kamikaze parrots winged the sky crumbling bloody saltines, dive-bombing the sun roof. Stay away from the windows! mother muttered as a pair of rats clinching rusty nails in their teeth nuzzled the panes, testing for a loose frame. If they get in, we’re done! How the pets ever came to organize and rise against them they’d never know, only why—spelled out in Kibbles on the sidewalk: ‘NO MORE DRESSING US UP IN TINY PEOPLE CLOTHES.’

At The Sour Patch Kids’ Birthday Party

The candles on the cake had to be blown out quickly with the Junior Mints melting fast. Mike and Ike were disciplined over bullying the Runts. The Goobers, goofing off in the pool, spotted something suspiciously chocolate and blamed the Raisinets, while the Sweetarts were on their best behavior. But everyone rejoiced when the human piñata was finally brought out.

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Matthew is currently working on a collection of horror stories, each less than one page long and tentatively titled 100 Teeny Tiny Tales of Terror, of which these pieces are an excerpt. He is author of Escapologies, available from Red Bird Chapbooks (redbirdchapbooks.com/chapbooks.html). He keeps a list of his sins at MatthewBurnsideisawriter.tumblr.com.