Character Crush: Todd of Scary Kisses

Scary-kisses-brad-goochI hate to reduce the man to trite categories, but for the sake of introduction: Todd is a bisexual Aquarian New Yorker (by way of Pennsylvania) fashion model-slash-collage artist caught up in a bizarre love triangle with an arrogant Leo fashion model named Frank, and a nymphomaniac drug dealer named Lucy. Lucy’s sun sign is not mentioned in the novel (Scary Kisses by Brad Gooch; best novel ever written, motherfucker) but I’m guessing she is a Gemini because she is very good at playing games and seducing men.

The novel opens with Todd masturbating on a beach. After he achieves orgasm Todd mumbles to a helicopter passing overhead, “Drop a bomb on me. It won’t matter. I’m a bone.” Damn, make a bitch swoon.

I’ve bought Scary Kisses for at least two potential lovers, hoping they would love it at least a little, perhaps say to themselves, “Any woman who loves this book is a woman I must get in my bed as soon as possible.” It didn’t work out that way. The last potential lover asked me if I was serious about the book. He was scared of Scary Kisses. He was nothing at all like Todd. What the hell was I thinking?

Unlike the flummoxed potential lover who turned out to be a dud, Todd is very much a man after mine own love addict’s heart. He likes to fuck. Specifically, he likes to fuck Lucy. He’s pretty damn concentrated in his lust and love for Lucy. I like that about Todd. Yes, there is the one time with Frank in Milan but it’s like bad Chinese food: Todd had to have it at the time, he was starving for it, but it made him feel so terrible he never ate there again.

I will someday get the message Todd left on Lucy’s answering machine tattooed to my back:

I’m sorry I missed your call baby. I’m sorry I missed our Chinese dinner. I just had to be a zombie for a while on my own. You wouldn’t have liked me anyway. But if you’re looking for a man who knows how to stir your taffy the way you like it… if you’re dying for a tongue to separate those soft hairs of your youknow-what… if you want to be properly felt up… pleeeaze call me back.

misti-rainwater-litesMisti Rainwater-Lites is the author of several books. Her novel, Bullshit Rodeo, is forthcoming from Epic Rites Press later this year. Misti maintains a blog at