Brief Speeches by Daniel Gallik
“Negro spirituals are outdated.” Maser was always giving his opinions on American life. This was the main reason he had no friends. It was to the point now where he would hang out at Joe’s Coffee Shop or Dillards or Target, or even Kmart here in Akron, Ohio, and do nothing but speak out about insane topics.
“Time isn’t that damn important. No one needs clocks in their house or watches on their wrists.” Mr. Mascher was speaking to no one in Wal-Mart when this came from his lips. A few shoppers looked around, but no one said anything to him. They continued shopping for the bargains offered in the store. Maser looked around, wondered about life in America, but only sneezed after a few seconds of quiet and did nothing else that day.
"Akron - Civic Theatre" (photo by Flickr user Andrew 94)
The next day Maser was at a Marathon station on Kenmore Boulevard.
“The gas prices are as a result of war, American capitalism, and OPEC. Period. Our country’s idea of a warped kind of capitalism is the main result of higher prices. Companies get away with murder.” There were four other people at the pumps. No one asked Maser to expand on his ideas. They got into their vehicles and left. They didn’t even tell anyone the noise this delivered in those few moments. Maser got in his car and drove off. For some reason or reasons, he was laughing.
The Cuyahoga River drifted from the north and met in downtown Akron, and then flowed north to Lake Erie. Maser found his Plymouth stopped at the huge turn near Goodyear. A light snow was coming down. It was a mild day. He got out of his car, opened the hood and checked the oil in the block. Maser saw that the engine needed another quart of fresh oil. He thought about everything, and said, “I know that the country needs more lubrication. But the car manufacturers are demanding less and less of the black stuff. Instead of changing oil every six-thousand miles, we all should break their rules, and change the oil every three-thousand miles.”
"Gulls on the Cuyahoga" (photo by Flicker user laszlo-photo)
Not one human being was around the massive turn of the river. Maser was speaking loudly to no one. And he was, again, smiling. He got into his car and drove it to a gas station, and said, “Do you change oil here?”
The short lady in the shop said, “No sir. We are just selling groceries.”
Maser yelled, “Well, I believed every place that sells gas ought to also sell services.” He walked out of the store and found a car wash that changed your oil. It cost him $22.95. Of course, they recommended he changed his air filter, and also allow them to change his transmission fluid and some other amenities. Maser noticed, after all this, that the bill was $122.95. He said to no one as he sat in his car, “Well, I should get a free car wash in exchange for this high price.”
Maser liked the idea of expressing himself in public. No one heard him this time.
Maser Mascher headed for Burger King to have a late lunch. “Let me have a Whopper.”
“No problem sir.” The sandwich was brought to Maser.
“But I didn’t want all that lettuce, and the tomato. And did you salt the burger? I don’t like salt. And anyway, I don’t eat meat, only once a year, because the scientists have found out meat is bad for you, and those same scientists think we ought to ban all fast food restaurants. I think it is highly important to tell you what I think so you can make changes.”
The young lady, earning $3.50 an hour taking orders said, “No problem sir, everything will be done to satisfy your needs. We at Burger King deeply believe in this tenet.”
With that, Linda, who had been going to college to earn a degree in business management, specializing in accounting, went to the back room to get her pistol. She had gotten two D’s in the last semester and was going to be a business counselor. She walked out of the lavatory in the back, back room and met the customer, and said, “Why in the hell are you like the way you are?”
Maser said nothing with the .45 pointing at him.
“Do you need this gun pointed at your noggin to make you stop being such a mean-spirited person?”
He nodded yes.
“Then, I will do it, and I have done it, and will do it again and again and again! But do I have to do it for the rest of your life, or can you behave now, and act civil until you are good, good?!”
Maser became at peace, and again said yes, and he felt much better.
Linda took the gun back and put it into her coat jacket pocket, and that was the end of that. No one was around at 3 in the afternoon. No one. And even if they were, they did not say a thing to anyone. Not anyone.
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Daniel Gallik has had poetry and short stories published by Hawaii Review, Parabola, Nimrod, Limestone (University of Kentucky), The Hiram Poetry Review, Aura (University of Alabama), and Whiskey Island (Cleveland State University). He has placed writings in hundreds of online journals. His first novel, A Story of Dumb Fate is available at publishamerica.com.
