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Crowbar by Christopher Munroe

I keep a crowbar by my bed, easily within arm’s reach. I can have it ready at a moment’s notice. I bought it on a whim, almost as a joke. In a book I once read, you see, it was suggested that a crowbar is the best of all possible weapons in the zombie apocalypse, as it doesn’t need to be reloaded, causes blunt trauma, and can be used to open doors and pry open manhole covers in addition to dispatching the undead. So I bought one. Just in case.

I’d nearly forgotten I even had the thing.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I know that you are not a zombie. Zombies aren’t real, they just exist in stories. I bought it as a joke. I’m not crazy. You’re simply a man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. You broke into my home in the middle of the night, thinking there was no one inside, hoping to steal my television and any cash that was laying around. You might have wanted to sell the TV for drug money. You look like you might be high; you look twitchy. Distracted.

But that might just be the stress, I suppose. You were so distracted disconnecting the television from the wall that you didn’t hear me as I snuck up behind you, with my trusty crowbar.

Your bones shattered so quickly. The body is so fragile. I’d had no idea it’d be so easy to destroy another human being. My first swing shattered your knee-cap, and you hit the ground screaming. My second broke every bone in your hand. I thought you were reaching for a knife, you see. It was all in self-defence. All perfectly legal.

And now here you are, in a growing pool of blood, screaming and weeping and begging me to call you an ambulance. I’d had no idea it could be so easy.

Or so fun.

Stop crying. It’s breaking my train of thought!

I will, I’ll call you an ambulance. And the police, I’ll have to call them too. After all, I’ve just defended myself against a burglar. I’m a hero. But intruder on private property or not, you do need medical assistance. So I’ll have to call nine-one-one for you.
Just… not yet. Let’s spend a little more time together first, shall we? Just the three of us. Getting to know one another.

You…
… me …
… and my crowbar.

Why are you screaming?
–

Christopher Munroe is a sometimes-employed stage actor and occasional stand-up comedian from Edmonton, Alberta who, when he has a few free moments between shows, likes to play with words and ideas. He’s very pleased to be included in this fine publication, and maintains a blog at munsistories.blogspot.com.

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