Santa Claus on the Down-Low by Will Dawson
Pimp Santa, New York SantaCon 2008 (photo by Flickr user istolethetv)
Anyone who’s seen those Playboy-esque cartoons that depict Santa getting down with young sexy female elves has to ask themselves: isn’t it more likely our old Saint Nick is getting jiggy on the down-low, rather than making toys and delivering them by sled? After seeing a few of those artist’s sketches of the scenes in question, it’s hard to believe he’s as innocent as he’s made out to be.
Truth be told, I think it’s much more likely that Santa’s cheating on Mrs. Claus with a group of young men wearing tights.
Admit it: the whole sitting on some stranger’s knee seems a little off to you, every time you see Santa at the mall. I, for one, can’t believe Santa wouldn’t rather have some gay slut bent over his knee for BDSM purposes—which may or may not involve a whip and flogging at some point.
If you ask me, the whole Santa toy-delivery service sounds more like a cover story than anything else. Every time Santa tells Mrs. Claus he is “making toys in the workshop,” he’s probably really sitting in the basement, downloading serious amounts of porn. Let’s be honest: you don’t trust a guy that spends too much time hidden away in his or workshop with a bunch of elves.
My guess is that every time Santa tells Mrs. Claus he is off “training the reindeer” or “polishing the sleigh” he is—like any average, deeply closeted married guy who says he’s “hitting the gym” or “playing poker with the boys”—actually attending some indecent show. With or without elves and reindeer present.
And speaking of reindeer: Rudolph, with your flashlight so bright, won’t you go down on me in my sleigh tonight?
Honestly, folks, if some guy wanted to drop a load of anything at your house in the middle of the night, after sliding down your chimney with a bag full of toys, would you really offer him milk and cookies? Wouldn’t some lube and a cock ring be more appropriate?
Now I’m trying to imagine what Santa’s Craigslist ad would say. What about “OLDER BEAR ISO TWINKS: 60+, 6″4′, 280 lbs, hairy top, 7 inches uncut. Looking for young twinks for father/son roleplay. I’m into spanking and can be generous. I also have plenty of toys for good girls and boys!”
Or maybe it’s more along the lines of “BI MARRIED GUY LOOKING FOR DISCREET FUN“?
Seriously, people, when your husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends or wives tell you they have some “last-minute shopping to do” and have to go out 11 o’clock at night on Christmas Eve, maybe they’re actually hooking up with ol’ Kris Kringle himself!
The only question is: have you been naughty or nice?
