The Reluctant Sadomasochist by Dru M

Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, world's best-known S&M fetishist

FIRST

“Honey, sweety-pie, I’d like it if you stopped, you know…”

“What? Swallowing? Massaging your prostate while I blow you? Drowning you in my tits?”

“Uh, no, you can keep doing those. I’d like you to stop asking me to call you a slut.”

“Oh.”

“And stop asking me to slap you. And, you know, that stuff.”

“Oh.”

LATER

“Fuck me.”

“I am fucking you.”

“I mean give it to me. Pull my hair. Give my ass a few spanks. It’s right there in your face.”

“Jesus, that’s it. I’m putting my foot down.”

“Where, on my chest? Want me to lick your toes for you? Or were you going to put it in my ass? ‘Cause that might hot.”

“Can we just drop it?”

“Come on, tell me what kind of a whore I am.”

“I said no.”

“Fine. Fuck me like you fuck a blow-up doll. No, don’t stop. I’ll just lay here…Want me to play dead, is that it?”

LATER STILL

“That really pissed me off, you know.”

“What? Wasn’t it good for you?”

“You know what I mean. The whole calling you a slut thing. I don’t treat my partners like they’re fucking sperm containers. It’s so retrograde, you know?”

“Retrograde. Huh. I’ll look that up.”

STILL LATER

“Are you awake?”

“No.”

“Can we snuggle?”

“First you want me to call you a dirty slut, now you want to snuggle?”

“Yes?”

“Very funny. Careful, those are delicate.”

“I don’t know how you walk around with these. They’re like little marbles. So listen, want to make love?”

“We just did.”

“No, we fucked. If it makes you happy, we can do all that tender shit you liberated post-feminist males love. You can quote me Petrarch and do me missionary and whisper sweet nothings into my ears.”

“I’m tired.”

“If that’s the case, you should tell your little general to stand at ease.”

LATER LATER LATER

“Okay, you’re biting a bit hard.”

“So? Can’t take the heat?”

“You said we were going to make love.”

“I lied. And now I’m going to pinch your nipple.”

“No you’re not.”

“Try to stop me.”

“Fine, pinch my nipple. See if I care.”

“You’re the boss.”

“Fuck me, not so hard. Ow, I said not so hard.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”

“That’s it. I’m done.”

“But you’re still so hard. Want to fuck me with a banana at the same time? We’ve never played with food.”

“Christ, why do you have to be so fucking vulgar?”

“I could do a cucumber.”

“Stop.”

“A pool cue?”

“We don’t own a pool table.”

“Not the table, just a cue. We could borrow one from next door. Or I could try a shampoo bottle.”

“Can you just—”

“Remote control? Think I can change the channel without my hands?”

“Stop saying—”

“Garden hose?”

“PLEASE STOP BEING A DIRTY FUCKING WHORE!”

(…)

“Oh, that was good.”

“Fuck you, no it wasn’t.”

“That’s not my pussy.”

“I know.”

“You’re cute when you’re mad.”