Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
If you are looking for a book that explains and illustrates the basics of polyamory and/or open relationships, then the first half of Tristan Taormino’s book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships–which reads like a Poly 101 textbook–is for you.
This is a book based on 100 or so interviews of people in open relationships in the U.S.–a country of over 300 million people–so one has to keep in mind what the author is basing her ideas upon.
One can’t help but get the sense that open relationships in general are a function of both urban and modern life. In a lot of cases the individuals uses “openness” as a way of trying to fight the isolation that takes place in big urban cities by creating deeper relationships with a few individuals through sexual intimacy.
If this book does anything well, it’s that it shows that for some people open relationships work. Just for that reason alone I would highly recommend this book, if only because it will make you question everything about your relationship style and beliefs—perhaps even the reasons behind your lack of a healthy relationship. Knowledge is power, and as the author says, self-awareness is a prerequisite for positive relationships.
Now if only the book could explain how to find the perfect partner, we wouldn’t need open relationships!
Pros
- The book’s emphasis on self-awareness, ethical behavior, honesty, communication and negotiation was refreshing.
- The plentiful checklists and self-questionnaires were well thought out and very practical. I think the average person could learn a lot about their own relationships and how to negotiate any part of their sex life from this book.
- The goal of the book is to help individuals make open relationships work. Judged solely on its stated goal, I think the book should get top marks. Of course, this assumes you’re already in a relationship with someone who will consider an open relationship, which perhaps does not apply to most of the world.
Cons
- I would have really liked it if the author took a position on whether people are biologically inclined or have a natural instinct for pair bonding. She brings up the idea though doesn’t discuss it.
- I felt the author downplayed the increased possibility of getting STDs in any sort of open relationship, as compared to a truly 100% monogamous relationship–not to mention the stressed involved in getting tested every three months.
- One other place where I think the book failed is that there were often examples of individuals saying they “needed” something, and that the only way they could get it was in a poly relationship. I found the “needs” often seemed a lot more like “wants.” I personally got the feeling that many of the so-called “open relationships” described in the book were either transitional and/or functional, though not ideal.
- The simple fact is that the majority of people in the world are likely to scoff at the idea of an open relationship. Even with all the good suggestions the book has to offer, if you are looking to date one of those types of people, I’m not sure how much the book will help you. It’s something akin to sending the book The Secret to Africa instead of food.
