Up, Up and Away! (Or: The Perils of Superhero Sex) by Shandyowl
With their well-toned physiques, protective nature, worldwide celebrity status and often substantial financial assets, superheroes are an obvious choice for romantic and sexual fantasy. A big, strong handsome man clad in a figure-hugging costume saving you from a mugging while delivering withering one-liners may seem irresistible, but once the costume is off is the allure the same or are there hidden drawbacks? Do the super-powers that make them invincible when fighting crime on the streets have any application between the sheets?
WEB-SLINGER
You may never find out. The degree of narcissism it would take for somebody to hone their body to such perfection would suggest that they are only interested in loving themselves. Look at Spiderman: the hairy palms are a dead giveaway. You will also recall that he became impotent in the second movie and his fluid dried up completely when faced with the opportunity to have crazy arachnid sex with Kirsten Dunst, but as soon as he “goes solo” again, he is shooting his web fluid everywhere with glee. It seems that “web-slinging” is just a synonym for “jizz-lobbing” after all.
And then there’s Wolverine. If Hugh Jackman brings one thing to his portrayal of the character, it is that he makes it abundantly clear that Wolverine is a chronic masturbator. In this instance, superhero sex can be dangerous even for the superhero. Just imagine the consequences of accidentally deploying a razor-sharp adamantium claw when you have your finger up your rectum, massaging your prostate in order to heighten the sensation of orgasm. Luckily Wolverine has the ability to instantly regenerate, although this explains why he is so grouchy.
SUPERMAN, SUPERSTUD?
Being the “Man of Steel” is certainly a promising start, as it implies that there will be no erectile problems (assuming you keep the Kryptonite away from the bedroom), but having a reputation as being “faster than a speeding bullet” suggests that Superman is a two-pump chump – up, up and away before you have time to say “Don’t worry, it can happen to anybody.” Even if you manage to overcome the Quick-Draw McGraw factor and settle down together, there is no way you are having kids because his mighty super-sperm will tear your pathetic human eggs apart like wet tissue paper. Perhaps it is for the best, because a grown man who parades himself in public with his underwear on the outside isn’t the sort of guy who you would want to leave alone around children.
HULK SMASH!
When Hulk is in a rage, he never has a raging hard-on. He also displays the bizarre characteristic of being calmed by women, like King Kong, instead of being infuriated by them, like any normal man. Conversely, if you arouse Bruce Banner he will Hulk up, leaving you yo-yoing between a horny Bruce Banner (for your sake I sincerely hope it is the sexy Eric Bana Banner and not the runs-like-a-girl Ed Norton Banner, who so metrosexually emasculates his furious alter-ego that you expect the Hulk to be sporting a manbag, sipping a soy-milk latte, sending e-mails on his Blackberry and generally behaving in an altogether unnecessarily prickish manner) and a magnificently-proportioned Hulk who would rather be smashing puny humans than fucking them. Should you manage to defy the odds and get the timing right, it is extremely doubtful that you would survive the mighty Hulkgasm and bright green tsunami-like Hulkjaculation because, unless you are She-Hulk, you are too puny to fuck Hulk. Hulk smash, indeed!
photo courtesy of Hulk's Diary That is On the Internet
HOLY INTERCOURSE, BATMAN!
Maybe it is better to try somebody human rather than a radioactive mutant freak? Perhaps Batman or Iron Man, both of whom are not only human but are good looking billionaires to boot. But hold on: is there really enough money in the world to persuade you to exchange bodily fluids with Robert Downey, Jr? Between his lifestyle choices and his jail-time, letting him anywhere near you is like playing Russian roulette. Who knows what he is infected with after spending time in prison, where needle-sharing and (doubtless consensual) sodomy are so prevalent?
In the case of Bruce Wayne, you are up against the challenge of somebody who likes to adopt orphan boys and dress them up in tights. Even if that IS as innocent as it sounds, you have to remember that this is a man who can afford an endless supply of stunning $5,000-an-hour call-girls, so why would he even glance at your skanky ass? Although, maybe if you got lucky he would show you the Bat Position.
FANTASTIC FOURSOME?
While being transformed into The Thing can only serve to make Michael Chiklis more attractive, he is still like most barren, rocky places on Earth – you don’t really want to go there. It is doubtful whether he actually has a penis, but if he does, then it would probably be like poking yourself with a sandstone dildo, and no amount of lube is going to turn that into a pleasurable experience. On the other hand, I suspect that if there were a She-Thing with a raspy stone vagina, she would still find guys willing to fuck her and worry about the skin graft later.
The Human Torch (if you are willing to stretch a point and consider Chris Evans as human) is literally hot stuff, but perhaps too hot. I imagine that when he comes he spurts fire like a tiny flamethrower, so if you don’t want to find yourself aflame with passion, at least one of you is going to have to wear an asbestos suit. Not that you ladies are going to have to worry about the above scenario; after all, the Human Torch is flaming.
Reed Richards initially seems like a better prospect for sexual gratification when you ponder how a bendy, stretchy man can re-shape his penis to whatever size and shape you may desire. He might even be able to screw you on the couch while he is in the kitchen washing the dishes. However, once you learn that he got the moniker “Mr. Fantastic” because he incessantly raves about how “fantastic” it is that he can stretch himself into positions where he is able to sodomise and fellate himself, perhaps his appeal diminishes somewhat? Maybe I am a little conservative in my tastes, but I don’t see a guy who goes ass-to-mouth on himself as being everybody’s cup of tea.
Finally we have Invisible Girl, by whom I mean Sue Storm rather than my imaginary girlfriend. I ask you: sexually speaking, is there any more useless power than invisibility? If you were fortunate enough to get a girl who looks like Jessica Alba into the sack, the very last thing you would want her to do is vanish. That is to say nothing of the pitfalls of invisible sex: you rather than she would be the one asking, “Is it in yet?” And then there is the possibility of taking a wrong turn and ending up in an inappropriate orifice. This power would only be useful in somebody hideous, so that you could screw them while imagining somebody else (Jessica Alba, for example). It’s not even as if she could turn invisible in order to covertly have sex with you on the train, because then it would simply look like you were exposing yourself in public, and you know what they do to nonces in the Big House!
photo courtesy of Wikipedia
You have probably noticed that I have almost exclusively addressed the problems of trying to have sex with male superheroes. This is simply because when it came to detailing the drawbacks of having sex with a wasp-waisted, round-assed, busty, leggy woman in a skin-tight outfit, I couldn’t think of any. Not a one.
