Ice Ice Baby
Even with global warming causing temperatures to rise faster than a flapper’s hemline during the Roaring Twenties* and glaciers to shrink faster than my your dick when your mother caught you masturbating to Walt Disney’s Dumbo, it still isn’t any easier to break the ice when you meet a girl you (would) like (to fuck). The best approach is to relax and be yourself. This is true even if you are a real asshole; you should still behave naturally so that you are rejected swiftly and waste as little of everybody’s time as possible. However, we all know how easy it is to tense up and babble nonsense in these situations, and that is why we need icebreakers–simple, often trivial, ways of initiating conversation, putting both parties at ease, and allowing a common ground to be established, paving the way for further chat while at the same time maintaining plausible deniability so that abortive attempts at seduction can be passed off as innocent small talk. In fact, should you deny such an accusation with sufficient vigour, reverse psychology may come into play in the form of a demand from the young lady to know why you are not attempting to chat her up, implicitly giving you a green light to now do so.
Remember, like the ships of the same name that ply their trade at the frozen poles, to be a successful icebreaker you must be prepared for cold, isolation, inhospitable conditions, equipped with a strong hull and have the power to push through against considerable resistance. Unlike the ships, you must also accept that you may be spat on, kneed in the groin or even arrested, depending upon the approach you adopt.
As with chess there exist a variety of opening gambits designed to ultimately result in a victorious endgame and a successful mating. In contrast to chess, if you are successful here you may get to have sex with somebody other than yourself. Kindly note that, similar to the principles described in Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, the key is recognising which principle may be most successfully applied to your present situation and making the wrong choice will very probably result in an ignominious, bloody defeat.
Boldly and with strength
“Sometimes you gotta go for it,” growls Michael Douglas’ grizzled, corrupt detective throughout the leaden yet hollow 1989 thriller Black Rain, repeating it with such regularity that it becomes a mantra. He uses it to justify various morally dubious actions, ranging from assaulting suspects to purloining evidence, and even as an explanation to colleagues in the locker room as to why he is injecting a seven-percent solution of cocaine into his penis. In a way he is right: if it is your intention to persuade an individual to participate in various morally questionable sexual acts with you then, indeed, going for it is sometimes the best approach.
For instance, in a bar in Reykjavik, a ravishing redhead walks past a tall, slim, handsome gentleman who is politely conversing with his friend regarding the unfettered hypocrisy that allows him to mete out relationship advice to others despite his own history of abject, chronic failure in respect of such matters. She stops, turns to face him, looks him up and down and tells him “Wow, you are really great!”
This is a triple-whammy: it initiates conversation, establishes common ground (i.e. we both think that I am really great) and invites further intercourse: to wit, a more detailed discussion regarding all the things that are really great about me. Well done. Go to the top of the class. More girls should follow your example and should do so immediately!
Help! I’m a spaz!
As you are doubtless aware, some girls employ the age-old tactic of feigning helplessness so that a man can puff out his chest and look ever so butch by coming to their assistance. I recall a colleague returning from a skiing holiday and telling me that the instant she arrived at her resort she started sending out “I can’t do that–I’m just a girl!” vibes, and within seconds had two guys practically fighting over who was going to carry her luggage and equipment to the hotel for her.
Men can adopt a similar approach by appealing to women’s maternal instincts. Even if they do not feel the genetic urge to coddle a hapless, flailing man-child with frightened, despairing puppy-dog eyes, very few women will pass up an opportunity to demonstrate gender-superiority by coming to the rescue of a man who is clearly out of his depth. Indeed, many would argue that the very definition of a man who is out of his depth is a man who is attempting to do something without a woman’s guidance.
There are both passive and active techniques to consider. A passive method could take the form of struggling to operate a photocopier or being baffled by the washing machine in the laundrette in the hope that some soft-hearted senorita will give a wry shake of the head while a slightly exasperated thought-bubble saying “Men!” appears above her shapely head. If you are extremely lucky, she may even come close enough for you to surreptitiously sniff her hair and give a secret little shiver of delight at the scent of summer meadows. Once you thank her and explain how difficult you find it to work these things you may get the opportunity for further conversation or even offer to buy her coffee by way of thanks.
An active technique might involve loosening a shoelace and assuming an expression of doe-eyed innocence, laced with a soupçon of consternation. You can then solicit aid from any nearby comely lass, explaining that your mum told you to ask a grown-up for help if your laces ever come undone. Attire permitting, the tying of your lace should afford you a bonus in the form of a down-cleavage view. You will know that things are going well if, after tying your shoelace, she spits in her handkerchief and wipes a smudge from your face. Conversely, you will know things are not going according to plan if she simply spits in your face.
You simply must give me the name of your tailor
Everybody likes to receive compliments, and attractive women with pert buttocks and perky, appetizing breasts are no exception. The key here is to adopt a slightly oblique approach. If you simply tell a woman how good-looking she is, you run the risk of seeming shallow by failing to appreciate her myriad other qualities as a well-rounded person with real depth of character. This is why it is better to direct your admiration at her clothing, as it acknowledges the thought and effort she put into choosing her outfit. An individual’s personality is often reflected in the way they dress, so by commending a lady’s outfit you are indirectly paying tribute to her character as well as her appearance.
The next time you spot a taut posterior like a firm, succulent peach with two delectable bites taken from it, instead of blurting out “Nice ass!” try saying “My compliments to your tailor on the flattering cut of your trousers.” Chances are the gratified gal will not even realise that you have been leering lasciviously at her mouth-watering ass.
Ogling cans is always a worthwhile and enjoyable activity (Always!), but the discerning gentleman’s healthy curiosity can easily lead to his being caught peeking. Doubtless, there will then follow a stern admonition, inevitably precluding any possibility of initiating a polite conversation and there will be no chance whatsoever of fondling or suckling upon said fulsome bosom.
Why take such a horrible, terrible risk? When next there jounce into view a jaunty pair of truly bewitching breasts, resist the urge to ejaculate “What a pair of milkers!”** and stare, goggle-eyed. This completely gives the game away. Instead, state pleasantly “That’s a nice top you’re wearing.” The response to this simple phrase is nothing short of miraculous. Not only does it justify placing your gaze firmly upon the maiden’s upper torso, but she will almost certainly seek to display her garment to full advantage by sticking her chest out, thus affording an even better view of her delightful mammaries. In all likelihood she will also mention where she procured the item of clothing and so provide an opportunity for further conversation once your hungry eyes have drunk their fill of the nourishing bounty on offer.
An unfortunate case of mistaken identity
Methods of starting a conversation with an attractive stranger don’t get much more straightforward than this: Simply approach the object of your desire from behind and deliver a friendly smack and/or squeeze to the buttock of your choice while greeting the recipient of your attention in a manner that suggests a familiarity appropriate to such behaviour. “Hi, sweetheart,” or “Hey, baby,” generally serve the purpose, but the tone of voice is far more important than the actual phraseology.
Regardless of whether the response is outrage, terror or mere surprise, you should respond with a look of panic and disbelief and explain “I’m so sorry, I thought you were somebody else.” You may think that it is better to mention a specific somebody to whom that sort of greeting is appropriate (e.g. wife, girlfriend, colleague, mother), but remember that you do not want this individual to think that you are already spoken for. Naturally, an offer to buy a beverage or meal by way of apology can easily be made and if this is refused you can keep working your way along the street one ass at a time until somebody says yes. On a cautionary note, I cannot stress enough the importance of NOT attempting this technique on lady police officers.
Cut to the chase
There are some people who prefer not to dally in conversation but wish to quickly and efficiently signal their availability to anybody who takes their fancy. The way that any normal, well-balanced man would do this would be to venture out to a park or shopping mall wearing only a trench coat. He would then approach an attractive woman and open his coat, revealing his naked body and erect member. In effect, he is saying “This is what I’ve got; if you want it just say the word and I’m all yours.” Perfectly reasonable and logical behaviour that most women find flattering, but there is always some small-minded uptight prude around who calls the police and unpleasantness often ensues as a result.
Instead, attire oneself in a smart suit–a navy pinstripe is always a popular choice–and carry a briefcase. This will create the impression that you are gainfully employed and females will therefore be encouraged by powerful genetic factors to be more receptive to your advances. The briefcase is your ace in the hole. Calmly advance towards the damsel of your choice and open the briefcase revealing the photograph taped to the inside of the lid. This photograph will be of yourself, naked save for an open trench coat. Few women are able to resist this heady cocktail of a steady income combined with unabashed nudity.
By way of conclusion I would simply like to say that all of the above techniques are absolutely guaranteed to make attractive women talk to you. Unfortunately, this does not necessarily mean that they are going to like you. This is especially true if you are the kind of spineless loser who needs to take advice from a complete stranger on how to talk to girls. And that, gentle reader, is why masturbation is so popular.
–
* This was intended to be a merry quip regarding the way couture never has new ideas but simply re-invents the old periodically and sure enough when I checked online all the top-rated returns for “rising hemlines” refer to fashions for this year instead of the 1920s or 1960s. Frankly I am unsure as to whether this undermines or reinforces my point.
** You should also resist the urge to ejaculate.
