Scrutinizing the Vagina
photo by Barry O'Connell
Ahhh, vaginas. The bane of the heterosexual man’s existence. I love a good vagina. A good one. I’ve come into close contact with many. There are some ugly ones out there. Here’s what to look out for.
First off, no man (or lesbian) should have to live with a fat vagina. Now, fat vaginas aren’t too loose. I mean, they can be, but it’s more about the amount of skin externally. I once had a fuck buddy that, when I spread her lips, they could go so far they’d touch her inner thighs almost halfway down to her knees. It was huge. When she bent over, it looked as if she had a second tiny butt, trying to escape from the first.
On the other side of the fence is the skinny vagina. With the skinny vagina, the lips don’t move. It’s like they’re constantly spread by invisible forces, shielding none of what lies within.
I had a girlfriend with this same affliction, plus another. She also had the cursed “top vagina.” Standing straight up while naked, not in a state of arousal, her lips would be spread and her clitoris and hood would stick out in front of her, like she had a tiny, half-centimeter erect penis, everywhere she went.
“Put that thing away,” I’d say. But no. She walked around with that thing exposed, like a man walking bent over backwards with his ass cheeks pulled apart.
Then there’s the smelly vagina. Now, I know this is a great fear for women, having a guy go down on them and not enjoy the smell. I’m gonna let you in on something: all vaginas smell funny. Never smelled one that smelled like roses. But it’s the degree to which they smell funny that is the issue.
My first girlfriend’s vagina, the first vagina I ever smelled, it smelled bad… but in a great way. It was pungent, smelled of sweat and dirtiness. After having sex with her for a week and returning home (it was a long distance relationship, gotta start somewhere, eh?), I hung out with a friend of mine, Jason. He was a large man–Samoan, I believe–and he sweated profusely, even in winter. He walked by me and his scent wafted to my nose.
“Dude, you smell like my girlfriend’s cunt.” He turned to me, ready for battle. “No, seriously,” I said, putting my nose to his armpit. “It smells great.”
He looked down at me, wide-eyed. “Get. The fuck. Away from me.”
That’s what a good vagina smells like.
Now, a bad vagina, that can smell of all sorts of hell. Like a woman I took home from a bar one time. She was homely; nice body, though. Her hair was unkempt, and I found her playing one of those video trivia games you only find at pool halls and shady sports bars.
Imagine that a cow gets slaughtered in your room. It urinates and defecates as its head is sliced clean off and its blood flows out onto the carpet. That smell, times fifty, punched me in the face as soon as I took this woman’s jeans off.
Of course, I still had sex with her. But I did not call her later.
I did not call her.
There are many other bad vaginas. Ones that have abnormally large clitorises, so you feel like you’re fucking a hermaphrodite. Ones that juice up too much, and then the juice coagulates so there are little boogers everywhere (cheesy vaginas). But I am a vagina connoisseur, and I’m proud to say my girlfriend has a perfect vagina. Her lips cover everything, and they expose everything when she’s aroused. Not too fat, not too skinny. A picture of her vagina would be perfect for a sex ed textbook. I love to bury my face into it and use it as a pillow. A pillow that smells like a really good armpit.
Dan Krubis graduated from the University of California, Riverside, with a degree in creative writing. He’s now located in Chicago, where, during the day, he yells at squirrels for their incredible cuteness, and usually mocks them. At night, he goes to random bars around the city and does the same thing to women.
